Welcome Dean!!

Another tadpole is in the pond. Yes that's right my sister had her third child today. A healthy and happy baby boy. Dean a 9lb 10oz, red headed child. Wow!! Way to go Nym!! Now my sister has a brunette, blond and now a red head. One of each. From what I've been told, Dean has my sisters chin and cheeks and has his daddy's eyes and forehead. Welcome little Dean. Your Aunt Froggy will see you soon. Love you very much!!

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday To You! Happy Birthday To You! Happy Birthday, Poppy!! Happy Birthday To You!! I love you!

Lately

Below is the definition from Wikipedia-

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.^[1] The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.^[2]

I always knew something was off. I just thought it was one of my "quirks". Crying all the time. Yelling all the time. Only seeing this as good or bad. The list goes on and on and on. When my father passed away I became very depressed. I've been used to being 'down' but never to the point where I wanted to runaway or 'leave'. I didn't want to be here anymore. Not in my house. Not with my family or friends. I didn't want to be me. My bottom was when I had to go into the hospital for suicidal thoughts . I do have to tell you that I didn't cut myself, take drugs or anything like that. It was a preventive measure. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to live anymore. Chris was starting to get worried and told me to call my councilor. Whom I've only been seeing for about a month or so. She wanted to talk to Chris. The next thing I know, I'm in the car on my way to NetCare. NetCare in Columbus is a facility where you can go if you're not feeling like yourself. It's for people who need help. It's a wonderful resource. When I got there I was shaking and couldn't stop crying. They took me in the back I was so scared. I didn't know what was happening. I was surrounded my people who were talking to themselves. Drug addicts. You name the aliment, they were there. I was only there for a few short hours when they told me that OSU had a bed for me. I said my good-byes to my husband. Then was transported to the hospital. It was September 17, 2009. I spent 3 whole days at OSU. They listened to me and let me tell them my story. What could come out of my mouth. I was so hysterical. I'm surprised that the doctors could understand me. Let alone diagnose me. I told them briefly about my childhood. My adolescents, and young adulthood. I don't even remember what I actually told them. I had to go to group therapy, individual therapy and classes. It was the longest 3 days of my life. When the Psychiatrist called me into the office I was scared to death that they were going to make me stay even longer then the 3 day hold. Then he said those wonderful words, "You're going home today' and handed me my papers. As I was waiting for Chris to pick me up I read what it said. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was in shock. Total shock. I heard about this in health class when I was in school. It's not curable. You most likely have to be on medication for the rest of your life. In and out of the hospitals. All the horrible things you don't to hear. I was terrified. Was I crazy? Will I always be like this? Will life always be this hard? Hundreds of questions and thoughts were racing through my head. What will I tell my kids. Husband? Friends? FAMILY?! What was I going to do? What would I say? How would they respond? When I came home I sat Chris down and told him everything. What BPD was and all that goes with it. In the back of my mind I thought for sure he would pack up the kids and leave. I would of understood too. But he didn't. He cried with me. He held me and told me that no matter what he was going to be there for me. I have to tell you, I was relieved. So now the hard part was about to begin. I upped my therapy sessions to twice a week and started taking classes on how to cope with BPD. Marsha Linehan wrote a manual to help people with BPD learn skills to manage the disorder and get on with their lives. I started in November/December of 2009 and just finished my first run through. You only have to take it once, but they encourage you to go through it twice. Which I am. When I started all of this I was in the middle of a bad spell. My down cycle still wasn't dissipating. I was in and out of the doctor for med checks and blood draws. By February I was still really bad. My weight was down to 100 lbs. I couldn't eat. Or should I say didn't want to eat. I was always grumpy. Didn't go out. Didn't hang out with friends or anything. I only came out of my house to go to therapy and class. I didn't cook. Clean. NOTHING!! I noticed my family falling apart in front of my eyes. The kids grades were slipping. I wasn't getting along with anyone in the house. Everyone was fighting. It really sucked. By March I talked to my personal doctor and told her everything that was going on. We decided that I was on too many medications. They were hurting more than helping now. So off I went. This was a big plunge I was about to partake in. The one thing on my mind was my family. I needed to get my act together. And fast. In April I decided that I was going to California. The plan was to go for a couple of months. Leave in April and come back in June. As the time got closer to my departure date I stared to get scared. Was I running away?? Was everything for not?? So I talked everything over with my councilor and Chris. My feelings, thoughts and concerns. When all was said and done, I only went to California for a week. To see family and soak in the sun. Take a break from reality. A vacation from myself. When I was out there I read, relaxed and missed my kids and husband. I needed them. I really did. It took me so long to figure it out. But at least I did. I came back renewed, rejuvenated and relaxed. A new me was in the works and I liked her. Chris and the kids could see a major difference. I was smiling. Happy. Genuinely happy. I went to see my councilor and she could see a difference as well. Not only has she helped, but the classes are fabulous. I was using the skills I was (and still) learning. The biggest thing was just to accept things as the they are. My therapy sessions are down to once a week and maybe even going to twice a month. This is a big thing!! I'm very proud of myself and all that I have accomplished in a year. I came in broken and hurt. Now I'm healing and happy. I still have my bad days. I still think of my dad and cry. But this is all good. What I've learned is that if you don't have bad days once in a while, well you're most likely a cyborg. I've just learned how to cope with my anger and sadness. I've learned how to talk out my issues instead of holding them in and exploding. It still a battle. It will always be a battle. There is no cure for BPD. There's only you. You are the only one who can make things right. You HAVE to want it. To grave it. To be it. It's all about recovery. If I can do it, anyone can. If you or someone you love is suffering from BPD there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it through. I've seen it. I'm doing it.

More Stories

YEAH SCHOOLS OUT!! No more school. No more books. No more Teachers dirty looks!! Another year down. Everyone moves to respected grades. 11th 8th 7th and 6th. Can you believe that my baby is going to be in sixth grade!! She's getting so big. Why do children have to grow up anyway? Why can't they be at an age that they still need us, but be independent? Ok Ok OK. Maybe that's not feasible. I do remember a time, not so long ago, when I wanted my kids to be out of diapers. Be careful what you wish for people. Anyway, my children are all getting older and I'm not happy about this fact. This became more relevant tonight. Chris, Alex, Katey, Emma and myself were all in the living room talking and reminiscing about the "good ole days" (as Katey put it). I do have to mention that Lacey wasn't feeling well and went to bed a little early. So the five of us are just talking and Katey brings up baby stories. So of course I had to pull out Emma pooping 5 times in a row. When Emma was only weeks old, we went to church to get her blessed. After that was done she needed a changing. I took her and Alex, who wasn't even two yet, to the restroom. When I put the clean diaper on her she immediately pooed. Four more times I had to change that child. Every time I put a fresh diaper under her butt, she pooed. On top of that Alex was running around like a two year old does. As I'm telling the kids this story my arms are flaring. I'm jumping around like Alex did. Kicking my legs like Emma. And everyone was laughing. Several more stories followed. Some about Lacey. Some about Katey. We just laughed and laughed. I watched and I soaked in all the love and wonderful memories. When the night was over and it was time for the babies to go to bed. I looked out at Chris just smiling ear to ear. He giggled and asked me why I'm smiling. I just gave him a look of delight. When I was a little girl I couldn't wait for my mother to tell us stories. Stories of us growing up. Stories of her growing up. Stories of my Aunt Duck and Uncle David. And don't get me started on the stories when it involved my grandmother. I loved these stories. I relished these stories. I still do. Now it's my turn to enlighten the children of the next generation with stories. Passing the torch of sorts. I can't wait for more stories to develop and grow as my children do. So maybe the kids growing up isn't all that bad. I can always use more stories.

My Wonderfully Crazy Katey

This beautiful young lady is my step-daughter Katelynn (Katey for short). Let me tell you a little about my sweet Katey-Bear. Katey was diagnosed with ADD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) when she was very young. This means that when you tell her to jump she will sit If you tell her to go take a shower, she'd rather stink. And add the ADD on top of that, good luck teachers. I believe that she doesn't know what she's really doing, nor does she want to do them. Katey has had it rough. When she came to live with us a little over a year ago, Chris and I thought that it would help her and her relationship with her mother. However, it's gotten worse. So when the last nerve was gone (about a month ago) I decided to change some things around. Before I would scream and shout to get Katey to do anything. Now I talk to her like she doesn't know better. And in all reality she doesn't. She was never taught to talk out her problems. She bottles them up and then when she releases her "mood" watch out. She never really had to do chores. She never had nor was taught how to clean her room, I mean really clean it. Her mother did everything for her. Now I understand not handing out chores at a young age, but damn. Katey was 12 when she moved in. So, now it's up to me and Chris to step in. I've stop yelling and starting talking. You know when you have a toddler and they did something that was wrong?! What do you do? I don't ever recall yelling at my children. I talked to them. Told them to use there words or sign what's wrong. I'm taking this technique and applying it to a 13 year old. And it seems to be working. Tonight Katey kept getting out of bed after I already tucked her in for the night. I at first, got really pissed off. This would be the 10th time I put her to bed. In the mist of the arguing I stopped and asked Katey what happened today that would make her so mad and upset. She proceeded to tell me about her day. Come to find out some of her friends were being cruel to her. We talked it out. You could see on her face how much she loved that. How much she needed it. I made jokes and made her laugh. Which we all know, cures all. When we were about done with the conversation I asked her what her dad told to to say (in her head) before she does something stupid. Her response was, "What would my Dad say or do to me if I do....." I then told her I didn't want her to think that anymore. She gave me the most quizzeled look. I told her that I wanted her to think..."Is Jette going to kick my ass if I do...." Katey's father works A LOT and her mother isn't around as much as she should be. So all that's left is me. :) And now she knows it. I love my husband, but he just doesn't have it in him to discipline. It's now up to me. Lacey's good. Emma knows better. Alex has is moments. And now Katelynn knows. I also found out that she was bragging to her friends that her and I were getting along. Her friends (whom know me very well) fell over with amazement. This tells me that I'm doing something good here. Don't get me wrong, Chris has tried very hard to get to Katey. I just think she needed a mother. And a mother I am. And I'm good at it. I know that when Katelynn is grown and on her own, she'll know what I did for her and how much I love her. She's my daughter and that will never change.

Mother's Day

I wanted to tell all the mothers out there Happy Mother's Day!! Especially my wonderful Mom. She has done more for me then she could ever imagine. She has taught me right and wrong. Good and evil. But most of all she has taught me to Love. No matter what I've done in the past (or plan to do in the future) she has my back. And I have hers. My mother is more than a Mom, she's my best-friend. I can tell her anything. And I do mean ANYTHING! If it wasn't for my wonderful Mother I have no idea where or who I'd be right now. She once told me that I should find someone who I respect, trust, love and honor to be like. Or somewhat like. I choose my Mommy. She's beautiful, caring, loving, and non-judgmental. She's everything I want to be when I decide to grow up. I love you Mommy!! Happy Mother's Day.

Poppy Tattoo

My husband know how much I wanted my Poppy tattoo. So on the one year anniversary of my fathers passing I got my tattoo. I put it on my left leg. You know when you walk on the street and your mom or dad walk on the outside so you don't get hurt?! Well this is a way for my Poppy to protect me. I love you Poppy. You're always in my heart.

One Year

It has been the most interesting year of my life. So much has happened. Some bad some good. Either way it happened. And most of it is for the better. I've lost my father one year ago today. One year. It's still hard to believe. It was only recently that I became okay with the fact that my dad was no longer around. I know that he's in a better place. He's happy, healthy and watching over us everyday. With this I'm grateful. He's always with me. By my side with every step. He's in my heart. Forever. I love you Poppy.

GET READY FOR THIS!!!

I'M 130 LBS!! I couldn't believe it myself. I went to the doc's. Got on the scale. Closed my eyes. Then she said the words....Wanna see? So I opened my tight eyes and saw the scale. I'm so happy. My doctor is happy. My kids and wonderful hubby are elated. Now all I have to do is keep it there. I'm on the right track. And it feel great!!!

Money and Children

Chris was handing out money for the kids this week and when he handed Emma her five dollars her response was priceless.

Chris-Emma, here's some money for you this week.

Emma-Thanks Daddy. OHHH I only need a two or three dollars. I'll bring you the change tomorrow.

Chris-Honey this is yours. All of it. We don't need change.

Emma-Okay. Cool. Thanks guys!!

With big hugs and huge smiles we said our good nights and she went to bed thinking of all the wonderful things she could get with her five dollars. As I sat down at the computer I looked at Chris and just smiled. My baby is aware of money. She knows that she doesn't' have to spend it all the minute she gets it. She knows how to save. It's so wonderful.

Head Held High

I've noticed that since I've been home I'm not putting up with anyone's shit. The kids are GOING to listen to me, even if it's the last thing I do. My house will be in order. Laundry will be caught up. And so on. I've also noticed that I hold my head up higher. My shoulders are back and relaxed (as well as I can lol). I also feel my old confidence coming back. It's amazing what time away can do for your heart, head and soul. I'm even loving my body. I have a doctor appointment next week and I'm acually looking forward to it! I want to sit in the Doc's office and proudly say, "I'm taking my meds. AND I'm eating!!". I'm ready to get on the scale...not to ready, but ready none the less. I'm proud of myself. I'm going to my DPT classes everyweek, doing the homework and seeing my counciler only once a week now. I'm so pleased! I'm prolly not supposed to brag or anything, but it's been a very long time I've felt like this. I've put my foot down and people are noticing. IT'S GREAT!!

California Part 2

Enjoying the flowers!! I love you! Outdoor my mother's patio. Beautiful!! Oceanside Beach. Lovin' the sun.

Before and After

I was going through my friend Mariah's wedding pictures and found one that really shocked me. It was taken in October 2009. I'm posting that picture. I'm also posting a picture that was taken only a couple of weeks ago. It was truly eye opening for me. I cried. I'm still crying. I had no idea. Sometimes seeing IS believing.

California--Part One

Here are some of what I did in California. I'm waiting on my other pictures to come in. Doing it the old way. One time camera. I can't wait to see them. Until then here is a little of what I had the plessure of doing.

California Dreaming

I have been here for about a week and loving every minute of it. Let me start off by saying thank you to my wonderful family here. They are really shown me a great time. I have loved hanging out with my mother, sister and her beautiful children. They have taken me pretty much where ever I wanted to go. We went to Old Town Temecula (hope I spelled that right lol) and had some of the best Root Beer on the planet. They actually have a store with nothing but root beer. It's great. I was totally channeling my brother Eli when I was there. He loves that place and now I see why. I went whale watching, which was amazing. There were two Minke Whales that was playing with the boat. My niece and I were watching them go under the water and come up on the other side of the boat. It was like they were there for only us. It's was breathtaking to say the least. I have a whole new love for the water now. And no, it does not mean I'm going swimming any time soon. lol Then on Thursday I got to go to my favorite part of Southern California.....The desert! Palm Desert to be exact. My mother took me to Joshua Tree and I was blown away. I sat on a hill and looked out over the vast lands. It brought me to tears. Happy tears! When I was done meditating I looked to my right and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A rock formation that looked like a Father holding his little girl. I could see the child's eyes, mouth and even her hair up in a ponytail. I immediately thought of my own Father and was brought to tears again. Not the sad tears that I normally shed in this kinds of situation, but tears of love and happiness. It felt like I was that little girl and my own father was holding me. I felt my father at the moment and it was amazing. He was there with me. He had his arms around me telling me that everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be just fine. He's happy now. Happy and healthy. Like he should be. And that was very very comforting to me. Who knows what the next week will bring, but I'm sure it's going to be amazing.

Watch Out California...Here I Come!!

Okay. I'm going to California for 2 weeks and I'm totally excited. I get to see my family. Go to Disneyland. Go to Joshua Tree. Pretty much I'm going to enjoy my little vacation. I was originally I was going to go out there for about 2 months, but I made commitments here and need to stick to them. I'm just really stoked about this trip. I don't know exactly why?! But I'm really happy about this. I need this. I really really need this. I need to be with my mommy. My sister. My tadpoles. MY FAMILY! I need them. I've had a very rough year (2009 sucked hairy donkey balls) and deserve this. Everyone deserves a vacation. I will post pics as soon as they arrive. I'm sure my wonderful Sister and beautiful Mother will help with that. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY FAMILY!! Okay. I'm rambling on now. Next time I write...........I WILL BE IN CALIFORNIA!! YEAH!!!!

Steel Magnolias

I'm sitting here flipping through channels and stopped on the Oxygen channel and started watching Steel Magnolias. It was only about 15 minutes into it so I knew I didn't miss a lot. Man, I haven't' seen this movie in years. I've almost forgotten how good it really is. A mother/daughter/friend relationships...come on. It's fabulous. Now, I'm just waiting for that one scene..for that real good cry. I'm actually looking forward to it. Does that sound weird? Sometimes a girl needs a REAL GOOD cry. It lets out so much. Okay I'm going back to the movie. LOVE

Totally Stoked!!

It offical my sister is having a little baby GIRL!! Wendy's her name!! I can't wait.

Happy Birthday to EVERYONE!!

In these photos are some of the most important people in my life. And it happens that their birthdays are smooched together. (which makes it easy to remember hehe) First Eli...Man what can I say. When Mommmy brought you home from the hospital I know that our family was truly complete. You were so big, but so little to me. I remember seeing your face and just fallin in love. I made a promise that I would be a great big sister. I vowed to never let you down. I hope that I've kept that promise. I love you very much and I'm extremely blessed to have you in my life. Happy Birthday. You old fart!! Second Holly.....Girl what can I say. I'm so happy that my brother chose such a wonderful wife. You bring so much fun to our very dis'fun'ctional famly. I love your laugh. I love the way you're blunt with Mommy. You're so awesome I can't even explain. I love you very much. Happy Birthday!! Now last but definitely not least my First ever Tadpole Mae....Honey I remember the day you were born. I was so excited to have a little niece to play with. You are so beautiful (just like your Mommy). I'm always amazed by you wit and spirt. Even though you are so young, you set such a wonderful example to EVERYONE you come across. I love you sweety have a WONDERFUL birthday.

What Animal Lies in Your Spirt??

I took this quiz on Facebook (b/c I have no life). And found that my Spirt Animal is a wolf. This in ironic because the wolf is my favorite animal of all time. I've always admired them from afar. Very beautiful and majestic. You are a wolf - one of the strongest and respected animals there are throughout history. The wolf is a determined, tough, and versatile creature found in almost any environment: from mountains to deserts to prairies. Although the wolf personality can represent the strength and ability that comes from a lone wolf, this is actually quite rare. Most of the time wolves, like in nature, thrive and survive in packs, coordinating in an organized manner within their society. Wolves also tend to often have many close and loyal friends around them to back them up in times of need just as they stand behind those they care about. In relationships, most wolves also remain faithful to their partner and maintain a strong friendship no matter what happens - they generally keep in contact with their past lovers and never forget the bond they have as companions. The wolf inspires strength, loyalty, and faith in others even in the darkest times. They are strong, deep-thinking, loyal personalities and can always be counted on in the end. If you look into a person with a wolf-like spirit, you realize that they have deep and powerful eyes that are hard to discern what they are thinking about or feeling. Wolves often may not show emotion as much as others, but inside lingers much thought and feeling. Howling at the full moon as the gentle breeze flows across the mountain side, the wolf reminds everyone to stand strong even in the darkest of nights

Been Awhile.....

For some reason I've been thinking about Poppy. I don't know why?! I thought I was thru all this crying crap! But apparently I'm not. I'll watch a movie and think "Man Poppy would be cracking up right now" or "Look kids a old Chevy" and I start crying. I'm sick of crying. Just sick of it. WHY??!! That's all I can manage right now. Tears are fallin' as we speak.

Something I Would Love For People to Stop Talking About!!!

I was hanging with some friends the other night and they kept bringing up is the fact that I was out of my house and I was eating!! I couldn't believe it! Yes, I got of my house....not really by choice. Chris had already told them we would come over to chill. I didn't really want to go, but Chris wanted me to...so I went. For him!! And the eating thing is really getting on my last nerve. I KNOW...I'm eating. Stop the presses. Stephanie put food in her mouth. Oh my goodness. Mark the calender y'all!! I mean come on. Enough is enough. I know YOU want to see me at 130 or even 140...but come on!! I'm trying very hard NOT to let weight judge my life and when you keep bringing it up it just upsets me more. AND I STOP EATING!! It triggers something in my head saying that 130 is way to big and I need to stop eating now so I DON'T get that high. I'M TRYING PEEPS!! Please get off my back already about the whole thing. This is one reason I stop going over there. Because they kept bringing it up. I thought they got the message.....but I was very wrong. So here's the bottom line. One...DO NOT BRING UP FOOD OR EATING TO ME (unless you are my doctor or mother) Two...If I don't want to leave the house...I WON'T and I have that right. Three...well...I don't know yet but when I think of it I'll let you know.

New Year....New Post

My first post of the year...yeah!! All is good here in the Bowman-Clarkson household. Kids are somewhat well behaved. Hubby is doing great. And I'm moving day by day. So much has happened in the last year. Some I am grateful for and some I was not expecting. None the less, it was a very interesting 2009. Lets see what 2010 brings....shall we?!